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I Spy An Elf Conspiracy
News stories of the NSA spying on regular, law-abiding taxpayers raise concerns for my privacy. Although such tactics against me would prove to be the blue ribbon’s longest run (the current record is six minutes and fifty-six seconds), it allowed me to I wonder what the people of our country have done to create this extraordinary economic system. I mean, authorities should need more than a hunch to spy on average people, right?
While our government denies its use of sophisticated spying techniques to read our email, tap into our smart phones, or hack into our personal computers through web cameras and microphones, there is a more insidious method at work. And you should be very afraid. In its ability to collect data on your personal searches and travels, and use it against you in a court of law, the new government spying scheme is as flawless as it is brilliant.
It comes in the form of a well-stocked, cute little Christmas elf toy. If you have small children or grandchildren, you have no doubt heard of the Elf on the Shelf, Santa’s friendly elf. For about 30 bucks at Santa’s workshop, aka Amazon, Target or Barnes & Noble, you buy an elf sold with a storybook full of elfin lies. He deliberately and willingly invited this beautiful little nymph to live in his house for the holidays. Give your elf a cute name, ours is “Ralph the Elf”, then register your elf on the official elf website, which may process more applications than Healthcare dot gov. Once you’ve provided your personal information and location, Spy Work: Naughty or Good, begins.
At night (if you remember to) you keep an elf somewhere in your house for the child to come. Essentially, the elf’s job is to monitor daily behavior. And each night the Elf would disappear and report to Santa on whether the child had been naughty or nice. In the morning the elf is a mystery in a new place for the child to find again. Cute, right?
Middle-income parents, the most vulnerable people of the government, believe that this beautiful hoax is a game of hide and seek for children. Parents use elf as a safe behavior changer during stressful times. Kicking the tipsy boss’s wife from spilling a pomegranate martini on the white sequined sweater I plan to return on the 26th makes for a stressful time. A bonus instead of an open bar could have helped with those credit card bills. I digress.
Talking to an elf is as encouraging as sharing all secrets, wishes, and desires. Touch makes the magic void and empty. But for an extra $5.95 a bag of “magic dust” easily fixes the boo-boo. Buy two packs to avoid the game of “You do it, you do it” and “I think we’re all out of vodka”. He just said.
Don’t take what I tell you.
Elf on the Shelf is a government conspiracy that masquerades as a holiday tradition. Look into those beady little eyes. That careless smile. This colorful Santa’s little helper is a mole. Pure and simple.
And here is the rub. Smart people with college degrees put their kids to bed then mix some cheery cocktails and party with the elf. In older hands, it’s a rare elf sitting forlornly on a shelf looking, well, elfish. Deranged po-ups create scenes that draw comments like, “Aw, that’s cute, wish I’d thought of that” to “Dude, really, I think you should do that in college.”
He overcomes with bravado to avoid attacking the very social media that our government is monitoring by sharing the cruel and risqué Elf. Government spies may change 50 Shades of Red but your name will definitely go to the top of the naughty list. You might as well run a white flag up the pole and surrender now.
Your home is not a safe place. Don’t believe me? Check out the crack site for women, Pinterest. You will find a plethora of naughty escapades of many elves and in places no government agency can be found without your help. A lively slice-of-life scene with an Elf playing spin the beer bottle with his stuffed animal friends. You can kiss goodbye to the lawnmower next spring.
It’s playing right into the hands of the NSA and who knows, maybe the CIA and NASA, too. The problem is very big.
In the age of high-tech espionage, a toy is a government plot to study the workings of your inner house. Careful. Each night Santa analyzes the close and personal information he shares in full view of his secret best friend. For pride and creativity, could this be the reason behind your tax audit last year?
Using The Elf on the Shelf as a caveat for good behavior makes for a bad holiday treat. Plus we know by Christmas Eve, all those presents in the car, basement, and attic, will all be under the tree. Who is playing? The government knows all your savings points and how much you’ve budgeted for vacation.
If you’re an adult, with or without a college degree, don’t invite this creep into your home. Your life will be far worse than any amount of forgiveness for your bad behavior can fix. Charcoal? Children’s game.
It may be too late for me this year. I’ll pay my taxes on time, plus throw in a $30 buck so the government can donate an Elf to someone they should be spying on, like my boss’s ex-wife.
For added protection, before pouring spiked eggnog for my neighbor and me, Ralph the Elf is going in the naughty corner where he is.
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